The Cereal
by Eduardo Carouchio
Summary: Kramer makes some cereal, George has a new job


The Cereal.  
  
(Monk's restaurant exterior, then the interior. Jerry and George having lunch).  
  
JERRY: Do you think Super man was good in bed?  
  
GEORGE: I guess so, he has super powers, so it only makes sense that he has super sexual powers too.  
  
JERRY: I'm not so sure. I imagine that when he's wearing his glasses and he's Clarke Kent then he's hopeless; can't even rise to the occasion. But as soon as he takes them off and puts on his suit, he becomes some sort of sex god.  
  
GEORGE: So your trying to tell me that Super Man's suit is just some sort of fancy Viagra?  
  
JERRY: I never saw Lois looking unsatisfied did you?  
  
GEORGE: I guess not; I'd love to get myself to get one of those suits. By the way Jerry, how are thing with that girl Sarah?  
  
JERRY: Not so good, she's got these really annoying eating habits.  
  
GEORGE: Eating habits? Go on.  
  
JERRY: Well, we were having dinner last week and she ordered fries with her food.  
  
GEORGE: So.  
  
JERRY: When her food came, she completely covered them with Ketchup, I mean covered; you could hardly see the fries at all! If you're going to have Ketchup, then you put a portion on the side of your plate, and dip when you feel like; not completely plaster your food before hand.  
  
GEORGE: That is strange, so it's over?  
  
JERRY: I'm not sure; I'll see what happens. So how's your new job George, weren't you starting there today?  
  
GEORGE: Don't ask? (waving his arms)  
  
JERRY: Why not?  
  
GEORGE: I'm not what you might say the most hardest of workers.  
  
JERRY: That's true.  
  
GEORGE: Well my boss's office over looks my desk, so she can always see if I'm working or not. It's not fair; I can't even have coffee, as the coffee machine is the other side of office! So if I get up she'll know that I'm not working.  
  
JERRY (sardonically): What a shame, imagine having a job where you actually have to do some work.  
  
(Elaine Enters and sits down looks upset).  
  
ELAINE: Hi guys.  
  
JERRY: Everything OK Lainey?  
  
ELAINE: Nope, just had to split up with John.  
  
GEORGE: But I thought everything was going so well.  
  
ELAINE: It was.  
  
JERRY: So what happened?  
  
ELAINE: He was too big.  
  
GEORGE: Too big? He was only my height.  
  
ELAINE: No, not too tall, to BIG you fool!  
  
JERRY (realising and nodding): Ah, you mean down there?  
  
ELAINE (puckers top lip): Yep, down there.  
  
GEORGE: How big?  
  
JERRY: George! You can't ask that.  
  
GEORGE: Why not, you afraid he's bigger than you Jerry? In any way, we're all friends here so what does it matter?  
  
(George looks at Elaine for an answer; she indicates the size by moving her hands apart, stopping at the appropriate length, George's face drops).  
  
GEORGE: Wow, that is big!  
  
JERRY: Sure is.  
  
ELAINE: So as you can see, it could never work.  
  
GEORGE: Never mind, there's this great guy Steve at my office, I'd think you really like him.  
  
ELAINE: Is he good looking?  
  
GEORGE: I guess so, as far a staunch heterosexual male like myself can tell.  
  
ELAINE: OK then, give him my number.  
  
GEORGE (gets up to leave): No problem. I gotta go; if I'm late my boss'll be on my back for slacking off again, see ya later.  
  
(George's new work place, afternoon. George is sitting at desk looking at boss looking at him from her office. He pretends to work. She then walks out of sight. George gets up and walks over to Steve's desk that is on the far side of the room).  
  
STEVE (obviously a very handsome man): Hi George, what can I do for you?  
  
GEORGE: No Steve, it's what I can do for you.  
  
STEVE: Go ahead.  
  
GEORGE: My friend Elaine would like to go out on a date with you, do you want her number?  
  
STEVE: Is she good looking?  
  
GEORGE: Yes she is, very.  
  
STEVE: Then why aren't you with her?  
  
GEROGE (lying): She wanted to but I didn't want to spoil out friendship.  
  
STEVE: OK then.  
  
(George hands Steve Elaine's number. George turns around and is about to go back to his desk when he realising that nobody else is working, they're all just talking, laughing drinking coffee. He turns back to Steve).  
  
GEORGE: Are you people mad, if the boss catches you lot like this she'll have you all fired.  
  
STEVE: Don't worry George; she can't see this part of the room from her office. We don't have to work at all!  
  
GEORGE: Ho ho! This ain't fair, I gotta work hard while you lot just sit around all day drinking coffee. Are there any spare desks over here?  
  
STEVE: Nope, all taken.  
  
(George points at woman in a wheel chair).  
  
GEORGE: How come she's got one, she only started a day before me but she has a desk this side of the room already?  
  
STEVE: It's because she's in a wheel chair.  
  
GEORGE: So?  
  
STEVE: Well, your side of the room has steps so she can't get up there. This side has a ramp so they put her over here.  
  
GEORGE: So if you have a wheel chair you get desk in this part of the room; where the boss can't see.  
  
STEVE: That right.  
  
GEORGE (under his breathe): Gotta get me a wheel chair!  
  
(Next morning, Jerry & Sarah in her apartment. Jerry walks out of her bedroom into the kitchen. Sarah's made him some cereal).  
  
JERRY: This cereal is good what is it?  
  
SARAH: Breaky-Flakes, you like them?  
  
JERRY: There gorgeous, but I've never seen them before.  
  
SARAH: That's because they don't sell them in the US.  
  
JERRY: Then how do you have them?  
  
SARAH: My father owns the company. Here, have a box.  
  
(Passes box of Breaky-Flakes to Jerry).  
  
JERRY: Thanks.  
  
(Sarah puts some waffles on here plate, and fills a bowl with honey. She then proceeds to dip her waffles into the honey).  
  
JERRY: Now this I just don't get.  
  
SARAH: What?  
  
JERRY: So you like to dip your waffles then.  
  
SARAH: Yep.  
  
JERRY: Why not spread the honey on?  
  
SARAH: I like to dip.  
  
JERRY (getting frustrated): You like to dip! First you cover your fries instead of dipping, and then you dip your waffles instead of spreading!  
  
SARAH: Well if it upsets you so much I think you better leave.  
  
(Points to door)  
  
JERRY: I think I will.  
  
(Jerry gets up to leave, just as he's about to go through the door he pauses, spins around goes back for the Breaky-Flakes. After grabbing them he leaves through the door).  
  
(Jerry's Apartment, Jerry watching TV. Kramer enters Kramer-esk manner. Jerry turns his head to see. Kramer walks over to kitchen and grabs seven or eight cereal boxes from the shelf and turns to leaves).  
  
JERRY: Hey hold on, hold on. What're you doing?  
  
KRAMER: I'm out of cereal, and you know I need my cereal Jerry.  
  
JERRY: But all those boxes?  
  
KRAMER: I like to mix them all up, have a few flakes from each box; then every mouthful is different. I call it "Cosmo's Cereal Surprise" you gotta try it Jerry you'll never eat a single cereal again!  
  
JERRY (unimpressed): Yeah, maybe later - just make sure you bring them back.  
  
(Buzzer sounds).  
  
JERRY: Who is it?  
  
GEORGE: Me.  
  
JERRY: Come on up.  
  
(Kramer looks at all the different boxes and notices one that he hasn't seen before).  
  
KRAMER: Oow what's this? Haven't seen this before; Breaky-Flakes.  
  
JERRY: Yeah, they're from Sarah; you can't get them here so that's the last box as we've split up.  
  
(George Enters)  
  
GEORGE: Do either of you know where I can get a wheel chair?  
  
JERRY: Why?  
  
GEORGE: You know I told you about my boss, and me having to work all day long.  
  
JERRY: Yes.  
  
GEORGE: Well if I'm in a wheel chair I get a desk on the other side of the room, which she can't see. I won't have to do any work at all!  
  
JERRY: So your gonna pretend your disabled?  
  
GEORGE: No, just that I've broken my leg or something.  
  
JERRY (sardonically): Oh I like the sound of this idea.  
  
(Buzzer Sounds)  
  
JERRY: Who is it?  
  
ELAINE: Me.  
  
JERRY: Come on up.  
  
KRAMER: My friend Bob Sacamano's mother has a spare wheel chair I'll get it for you.  
  
GEORGE: Excellent.  
  
(Elaine enters)  
  
ELAINE: Hi guys. Hey George nice work on setting me up with that Steve, he phoned me last night and he sounds perfect, we're going out tonight.  
  
GEORGE: No problem, it's what I do!  
  
(Kramer and George leave to get wheel chair)  
  
(Elaine & Steve in car after date outside her apartment, they have obviously had a good time).  
  
STEVE: So did you have a good time?  
  
ELAINE: Ow Steve, it was perfect, you're a super date.  
  
STEVE: You were perfect too.  
  
(Looking loving at each other, they kiss passionately).  
  
ELAINE: Do you want to come upstairs?  
  
(George's apartment he's sitting in a wheel chair, wrapping up his leg with bandages)  
  
GEORGE (shouting with glee): No work for me baby, NO WORK!  
  
(Elaine's Bedroom, Steve walks out of the bathroom into Elaine's bedroom. Wearing only a bathrobe. Elaine is lying in her bed obviously excited at the prospect of the night ahead. From behind we see Steve take off his robe standing there naked. Elaine's face drops in disappointment as she sees him naked for the first time).  
  
(George's Office the next day, the elevator opens to reveal George in a wheel chair with his leg covered in bandages, his boss runs over to him).  
  
BOSS: Oh George you pour thing, what happened?  
  
GEORGE (lying): I jumped in front of a car to save a little girl getting run over, luckily I only badly sprained my ankle; a small price to pay for a young girl's life. My doctor says I should stay off it for a few weeks.  
  
BOSS: George you brave thing, and to come to work the following day as well.  
  
GEORGE (lying again): You know me, work work work!  
  
BOSS: I'm awfully sorry George but we're going to have to give you a new desk because of the wheel chair.  
  
(She gets behind him and wheels him over to a new desk, next to Steve's and out of site from her office)  
  
BOSS: There you go George I hope this one is OK; I'll just go over here and fix you up a coffee.  
  
(As she walks away to pour the coffee we see George's face light up with glee).  
  
(Kramer is standing outside Newman's apartment holding a bowl and spoon, he knocks the door and the door opens).  
  
KRAMER: Newman, try this and tell me what you think.  
  
(Newman grabs spoon and takes a bite of the Cosmo's Cereal Surprise).  
  
NEWMAN: Oh that's good.  
  
(Grabs the bowl off Kramer and starts to eat it at speed).  
  
NEWMAN (with mouth full of cereal): What is it?  
  
KRAMER: Cosmo's Cereal Surprise!!  
  
NEWMAN: It's amazing, what's that strange flavour; I can't put my finger on it.  
  
KRAMER: It contains a cereal I got from Jerry; you can't buy it over here. (Getting excited and waving his hands) It's the secret ingredient!  
  
NEWMAN: Hey, a man on my mail round manages a cereal factory, I could introduce you; he could market it for you, for a share of the profits of course.  
  
(Shaking hands).  
  
KRAMER: You got a deal.  
  
(Monk's restaurant exterior, then the interior. Jerry, George & Elaine having lunch, Elaine looks stressed).  
  
JERRY (to Elaine): So how did your date go.  
  
ELAINE: Ow, the date was perfect.  
  
GEORGE: What did I tell you? I am a good friend for introducing you; I hope you do the same for me.  
  
ELAINE (sardonically): Ow you're a good friend George, it's what happened after the date that wasn't so perfect.  
  
JERRY: Why, what happened?  
  
ELAINE: Well we went upstairs to my apartment.  
  
JERRY: Go on.  
  
ELAINE: And lets just say that he wasn't big enough!  
  
GEORGE: Not big enough? He six foot (pauses with realisation), ah down there.  
  
ELAINE: Yep, down there.  
  
JERRY: How small?  
  
(Elaine indicates with her hands as before, moving them closer together stopping at the appropriate length, Jerry's month drops).  
  
JERRY: That is small.  
  
GEORGE: Sure is.  
  
JERRY: So are you still with him?  
  
ELAINE: Afraid so, haven't had time to end it yet.  
  
JERRY: So does size really matter?  
  
ELAINE (Kramer-esk when he's stressed): Ow it matters! We still on for our double date tonight?  
  
JERRY: I can't, Sarah and I have finished.  
  
ELAINE: The ketchup?  
  
JERRY: Nope, the honey.  
  
ELAINE: Honey?  
  
GEORGE: Don't ask.  
  
(Kramer enters also stressed, and sits down).  
  
KRAMER: You gotta help me Jerry.  
  
JERRY (sardonically): You've always needed help Kramer.  
  
KRAMER: I need more of that cereal JERRY! I'm taking my Cosmo's Cereal Surprise to a friend of Newmans and those Breaky-Flakes are the secret ingredient.  
  
JERRY: I can't, you know we've finished.  
  
KRAMER: But it's the secret ingredient JERRY! I need that cereal; it's the icing on the cake. Just make up with her and get me some boxes off her.  
  
JERRY: OK, OK! I'll phone her later and apologies, as long as you shut up about that damn cereal!  
  
ELAINE: So our dates back on?  
  
JERRY: I guess so.  
  
KRAMER: Giddy up!  
  
(Restaurant at night. Jerry, Elaine, Sarah & Steve).  
  
WAITER: Ready to order?  
  
STEVE: I'll have the steak.  
  
WAITER: What size?  
  
STEVE: 20 ounces. A man ain't a man unless he has a large portion!  
  
JERRY (at Elaine): Isn't that right Elaine. Do you prefer a man who has a large a small portion?  
  
ELAINE (disappointed): Large I suppose.  
  
SARAH: I'll have the chicken with fries please.  
  
JERRY: Oh, your not going to do that ketchup thing again are you?  
  
SARAH: I think I might.  
  
JERRY: Please, for my sanity not the ketchup on the fries again please!  
  
SARAH (stands up): That's it! I've had it with you! I'm leaving. What sort of man gets obsessed with the way somebody takes their ketchup? And don't think your getting more of that cereal either.  
  
(Sarah storms out).  
  
JERRY (unfazed by just being dropped): Well there we are. I'm going bathroom be back in five.  
  
(Gets up and walks to toilet)  
  
ELAINE: Look Steve, we gotta talk I think we should finish.  
  
STEVE: But why, you said that everything was perfect what went wrong?  
  
ELAINE: Well there was a small problem.  
  
STEVE: Small problem?  
  
ELAINE: You know (looks down at his crotch).  
  
STEVE: It's small?  
  
ELAINE: Very. Sorry.  
  
STEVE: Well if that's what you think, I'm leaving!  
  
(Steve gets up and walks to door; before he leaves he enters the toilet).  
  
(Inside toilet, Jerry and Steve. Jerry is standing next to a urinal; Steve walks over to the one next top him. Jerry is looking straightforward just doing his business. He notices Steve blatantly turn his head to look down at his crotch. Jerry's face turns to one of uncomfortableness, and disbelief).  
  
(Next day, Monk's restaurant exterior, then the interior. Jerry, George & Kramer having lunch).  
  
George: Toilet peeker?  
  
JERRY: Toilet peeker!  
  
KRAMER: Who?  
  
JERRY: Steve, we were both in the toilet when he turned his head and took a peek, he didn't even try to disguise it!  
  
GEORGE: Doesn't know the rules? Stand to attention and look straight forward. No moving your head it's just not done. I better make sure that I don't go the same time as him in the office from now on.  
  
KRAMER. So how's your wheel chair working out George.  
  
GEORGE: It's the best idea I've ever had. The boss has no idea, plus all I do all day is talk and drink coffee. It's the cushiest job I've ever had.  
  
KRAMER: That Bob Sacamano hasn't failed me yet. By the way Jerry did you get that cereal.  
  
JERRY: Sorry Kramer but no.  
  
KRAMER (in his stressed voice): But why Jerry, Why! I have a meeting with Newman and a cereal man later so I need a box; it's the secret ingredient! It's too bland without it!  
  
JERRY: I'm sorry Kramer, but she was going to order a plate of fries, and I wasn't going to risk watching her annihilating them with ketchup. I had to make a stand.  
  
KRAMER (waving his arms): Ah!  
  
(George's office. George and Steve. George puts down his cup of coffee).  
  
GEORGE: Think I'll go to the bathroom. That's my fifth cup without a visit, and I'm bursting.  
  
STEVE (gets up): Think I'll come too.  
  
(George looking awkward and obviously needing to go).  
  
GEORGE: Actually I've changed my mind, I'll go later.  
  
(Cereal man's office - Kramer & Newman & Cereal Man, Kramer and Newman walk in, Kramer shakes hand with Cereal man).  
  
CEREAL MAN: Well hello Mr Kramer, Newman tells me you have new cereal you'd like to show me.  
  
KRAMER: That's right, Cosmo's Cereal Surprise, it's as if your taste buds loose control; a party for your mouth!  
  
(Kramer pours some of his cereal into a bowl gives it to cereal man to taste).  
  
CEREAL MAN: It's good, very good.  
  
KRAMER: Giddy up!  
  
CEREAL MAN: But not good enough I'm afraid; it lacks a certain something. Something to set it off; the icing on the cake so to speak.  
  
KRAMER (in his crying voice): Mama.  
  
(Newman makes clenches fist).  
  
NEWMAN: Jerry!  
  
(George's office. George and Steve are the only people remaining, George obviously needs to go to toilet but Steve is still next to him; waiting for him to go so he can watch him. Finally Steve gives up and leaves. As soon as through the door George gets up from his wheel chair and runs to toilet at full speed. Half way there his boss comes from no where and steps in front of him).  
  
BOSS: I Thought you had a broken leg George!  
  
GEORGE (trying to put on brave face): It just got better. I'm sorry but I've gotta run to the...(face drops) to late.  
  
Both look down at George's trousers. He has just wet himself.  
  
BOSS: George, your fired.  
  
(Base guitar)  
  
The End.  
  
Please tell me what you think, all comments are most welcome. 


End file.
